I wonder when I die, if all the answers to my questions will just flood to me all at once, if I will be just as confused as I am here, or if I'll be resigned to care since life is over and done with, what’s coming will come, eventually.
It will be no surprise to know that my whole life I have had an issue with authority, let me correct that... undeserving authority. In 7th or 8th grade I had an English teacher who didn't care for me at all and wasn't shy to let everyone know. She had a few talks with me about how I needed to show her respect because she was my teacher, my elder, and just plain superior to me. My mom always taught me to respect my elders. She taught me by word and action. My whole life I have never seen her disrespect someone older, even if she knows they deserve it. I just figured out early, that I cant be like that, I cant give my respect to someone just on the basis that they are older than me or they hold a higher calling in the church or they are my boss, if they don't respect me, then they don't deserve my respect. Plain and simple! That middle school teacher assigned a creative writing paper, in the format of a real News Paper. Can you guess what my main article dealt with??? Yes, respect... I think I won a contest with that paper, and after she graded it and gave me a shining A+, she promptly apologized.
I have a tendency to rub adults wrong... I'm not shy to tell people what I really think. Why is that a bad quality? Why cant everyone just come out and say what they really feel instead of pushing it under the surface? What does that help? Nothing! But I am looked down on for telling people how it really is, and they are glorified for secretly screwing me over, because on the surface they seem to be so righteous. Self righteous is all I see... There are people who are good at smoothing over the surface so they look great and grand but underneath is nothing but empty words and fake smiles, why are they the ones who everyone wants to be like?
On the trek I learned a lot, and had a really spiritual experience. I worked my butt off quite literally to help, and do the very best I could at my responsibilities. I care about the people I serve, not just on the surface, but to my very core. I worry and pray about them constantly, hoping that I will be able to make even a small difference in their lives, and I think I have. Yet I am the one kicked to the side, because I look rough around the edges, because I cant speak eloquently, and because I must have missed the line to receive my halo. I'm sorry if I am obscene, if I'm too loud, and if I make you uncomfortable, but this is me and I like who I am. I feel I can make a difference and it most likely will be with the people that are turned off to the Gospel, by people like you.
It will be no surprise to know that my whole life I have had an issue with authority, let me correct that... undeserving authority. In 7th or 8th grade I had an English teacher who didn't care for me at all and wasn't shy to let everyone know. She had a few talks with me about how I needed to show her respect because she was my teacher, my elder, and just plain superior to me. My mom always taught me to respect my elders. She taught me by word and action. My whole life I have never seen her disrespect someone older, even if she knows they deserve it. I just figured out early, that I cant be like that, I cant give my respect to someone just on the basis that they are older than me or they hold a higher calling in the church or they are my boss, if they don't respect me, then they don't deserve my respect. Plain and simple! That middle school teacher assigned a creative writing paper, in the format of a real News Paper. Can you guess what my main article dealt with??? Yes, respect... I think I won a contest with that paper, and after she graded it and gave me a shining A+, she promptly apologized.
I have a tendency to rub adults wrong... I'm not shy to tell people what I really think. Why is that a bad quality? Why cant everyone just come out and say what they really feel instead of pushing it under the surface? What does that help? Nothing! But I am looked down on for telling people how it really is, and they are glorified for secretly screwing me over, because on the surface they seem to be so righteous. Self righteous is all I see... There are people who are good at smoothing over the surface so they look great and grand but underneath is nothing but empty words and fake smiles, why are they the ones who everyone wants to be like?
On the trek I learned a lot, and had a really spiritual experience. I worked my butt off quite literally to help, and do the very best I could at my responsibilities. I care about the people I serve, not just on the surface, but to my very core. I worry and pray about them constantly, hoping that I will be able to make even a small difference in their lives, and I think I have. Yet I am the one kicked to the side, because I look rough around the edges, because I cant speak eloquently, and because I must have missed the line to receive my halo. I'm sorry if I am obscene, if I'm too loud, and if I make you uncomfortable, but this is me and I like who I am. I feel I can make a difference and it most likely will be with the people that are turned off to the Gospel, by people like you.
20 comments:
It's too bad you're already married, or I'd be all over you like a fat kid on cake. Josh is a lucky man.
Ash..you kill me. That is awesome you got to go on trek. That would be way fun. I have never heard the fat kid on cake analogy.
That's what I love about you, you're blunt and to the point. There's too many sugar coaters out there so don't change who you are. There will always be those out there that don't jive with you but who cares! It's so cool that you're so comfortable with yourself!
I needed this one tonight Ashley. I have had an issue I'm having a hard time getting over (holding it in). I think your awesome just the way you are!!!
I'm glad I'm younger than you... ha just kidding! I love your personality Ash. Way to tell that Mrs... cranky pants off. You look so adorable in your bonnet by the way!
You put this into words so well. I've felt the same way. One of my new favorite quotes says: Be who you are, because the people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind.
Thanks for keepin' it real Ashlee. :)
Ok, so what happened on Trek? I can tell someone did something dumb to you. Those kids are lucky to have you around for a leader and someone better not have been mean/rude to you! You are an awesome woman and definitely deserving of respect by everyone who knows you!
Wow I didn't think that anyone would comment on this post! Thanks for letting me vent, and still be accepted. I really needed to be reassured that there are real people out there. I am so sick of fake people! I do have to say that writing this post really helped me. I was able to get all I wanted to say out, and leave it at the computer, instead of stewing over it. Thank you for your comments. I was really starting to feel that I was an outcast because of my personality! You guys are so awesome! THANK YOU!!!
Ash...you crack me up! You know that you are where you are for a reason and that is to make a difference in those young lives. I have to admit, I was a little intimidated of you at first...(I think I already told you that), but now I just love ya to pieces! I want to hear more about TREK!
Ash....You are amazing! In my bilingual bicultural class we learned that in America we are taught to have a passive voice and that women especially are supposed to be like that--which is why when you are the opposite people freak out. I agree with you though, its better to just say what you think than hold it all in! Just keep being you 'cos we like it that way! I wish I could have gone on the trek...it sounds like such a spirtual experience.
Jess :D
I've read this post a couple of times but haven't been sure how to phrase my comment. Ha! Still not sure if I'll get it right, but here it goes!
I think you rock! I think its great that you came out and expressed yourself here too. But above all I think you are right on when you talk about making a difference to people that maybe were turned off to the gospel by others. People (especially youth) don't want to be preached too, they want to be related too. Having someone they can both relate too and look up to is fabulous - I bet you are one of their favorite leaders, because you are friends with them.
Kids (well most people) just get turned off to the gospel when they continually hear criticism for things they do that maybe don't fit in that "straight and narrow" field of view. Good heck, we were all placed here to make mistakes and learn from them. No one is perfect (even though some may pretend to be).
Ok, I'll stop there before this all becomes babble. Just don't let people get to you. And thanks for the honesty.
What did this come from? email me! I know it's all truth... I can testify to that! But where did this vent come from??? Fill me in on trek too! I've never done it!
Ashlee,
I just wanted to post and tell you what I feel about you. I think you are absolutely incredible! You are the most sincere person that I have ever met. You teach me about generosity every time I am with you. You are the most incredible mom, and I hope someday that I can be as loving a mother as you are to KayBree and Daimen.
Remember the girl I was when I met you? You have had such an influence on me over the past 3 and half years…for the better! You taught me that it is okay to have genuine strong feelings and express them. You taught me so much about life, and I thank you. Cause I am a better person today than I was then, and it is in large part because of you.
I am so grateful for your friendship and unceasing love. You are so amazing; I don’t even know how to describe. You will do so much more good in this life than you have already done. I am so happy that I have the opportunity to know you. You have been such a friend to me, and I am so very grateful, that forever, you will be my sister! ;)
Love ya lots & lots,
Jeanette
Ahslee you were a freaking amazing young womens leader!!!! Gonna miss ya!
Ashlee Raisor
You are a wonderful lady. This post is the reason I love you and think you are so great. This is what makes you you and this is why real people would choose you as a friend any day. You are beautiful inside and out and Heavenly Father and people who know the “real” you can see it. You have a huge heart and I am thankful to call you my friend. I am so sorry for the times when you have to feel what you are feeling now but do not give up because you put your finger on it exactly, YOU are the person who will love those amazing people who need extra love when others will not. I have always felt a POWERFUL spirit from you. You have a purpose and you have been through the things you have for a reason. Thank you for being sincere and meaning what you say because it is hard to find. Don’t ever change, they are missing out on a truly wonderful person! When times get rough please know there are people who are rooting for you and who love you!
P.S Yeah to all your friends I wrote this comment in word and had not seen your comments and it looks like a lot of people feel the same.
You go sister!!!!! You are more Christ-like than those who judge you for caring about the lost and straying children who need someone to relate to. You walk the walk and talk the talk of what Christ has taught us all to be. Did Christ turn his back on the woman being stoned because of her bad choices? NO!!!!! He looked at the mob and asked that those WITHOUT sin cast the first stone. He loved everyone and tried to explain to his followers that everyone is one of God's children and no one is more worthy or loved more because of their good or bad deeds! We all have sin and no one has the right to judge or make someone feel less than worthy for any reason. Those that do make others feel that way and push those souls away from the gospel will be judged for those actions by the only one worthy to do so.....the one WITHOUT sin, our Heavenly Father.
Don't ever apologize or feel bad for who you are because you are amazing! You are so far ahead of the crowd as far as understanding and living the teachings of Christ!
I am so proud of you and I am also so proud to call you my sister!
I love you, Sister!!!!!
Leefa
I have only met you a few times but I got a great first impression of you. I have a problem of hiding how I feel even to Patrick sometimes...so I think it is great that you can speak your mind. I admire people like you.
I already miss you!!! I love the way you are, I am so glad I got to know you and that you are my friend. THank you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for watching my kids for me. You have been such a good friend and I know I can always count on you. Please stay in touch.
Ashlee,
I've always thought you were great. I can see you posted this a long time ago and I feel silly now being so late to post. But you are so great!
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